Day 2 of the Apocalypse! Jay Kristoff, Author of Stormdancer

Hello, my darlings! Are you quite ready for the end of the world? Today, The Noctural Library is proud to welcome Jay Kristoff, a gentleman brought up exclusively on Australian water, known for its magical properties. He grew up to become the brilliant and hilarious author of the Japanese steampunk fantasy novel STORMDANCER and its upcoming sequel KINSLAYER. Have you read them yet? If not, now is the time.

But first, here are the links to other Apocalypse! stops today:
Rainy Day Ramblings: PODs by Michelle Pickett
Love of Books: In the After by Demitria Lunetta
Buried in Books: Viral Nation by Shaunta Grimes

If you have your own Apocalypse! post to share, please leave us a link using the linky at the end of this post.

  

Top 5 Alternative-Apocalypses 

So the zombie thing has been done, dare I say, to death. When the tropes of your horror apocalypse have been so thoroughly absorbed by the mainstream as to provoke the release of a RomCom and a blockbuster starring Brad “Damn, I really need a haircut” Pitt in the same six months, can school lunchboxes and Zombie: The Musical be far behind?

…Actually, there's already a Zombie; The Musical. Sonofabitch. Ruin my joke, will you...

We don’t even need to step into the realms of fantasy to find our end of the world – we have a planet full of terrifying beasties who will happily murder us and wear our skins as cheeky winter coats. So, in the interests of shuffling this apocalypse thing onto the next phase, I’ve put together a list of five critters I think would make banging antagonists in the next breakout apocalypse hit. Feel free to steal my ideas, just credit me in the acknowledgements. And maybe buy me an island in the Pacific. A little one. I’m not greedy.

5. Sharks. You should be aware the only thing preventing you being ripped into ribbons by row upon row of serrated teeth whilst staring into the dead black eyes of the enormous carnage engine about to devour you is that you’re lucky enough to live out of the water. But the moment sharks figure out how to get around on land, you can be goddamn certain these hell-spawned teeth factories WILL savage all your favourite body parts and omnom them down like a drunken clubgoer scrums felafel at 3am.

Sharks will eat literally anything – tin cans, rubber tyres and McDonalds Chicken McNuggets have all been found in the bellies of captured specimens. Sharks are such terrifying murder machines, they even kill other wounded sharks. A tiny drop of blood is all that’s required to send them into frenzy. Imagine rolling up to the office on a Monday morning with a small shaving cut expecting to discuss last night’s television only to be savagely devoured by your co-workers.

“So that Theon Greyjoy, huh? What an OHMYFUCKINGGOOOOOD”

4. Asian Predatory Wasps. A single one of these sadistic bastards can destroy an entire colony of honey bees. Essentially, the APW will roll up to a hive, hang around the front door smoking ice and listening to Skrillex until a guard pokes its head out to see what all the wubbing is about. Then the APW brutally murders it.

When Jane doesn’t come back from her rounds (all guard bees are ladies) and the next guard gets sent out to see where she is with the goddamn coffees, the APW murders her too. And dismembers her. Going so far as to decorate the front of the hive with her remainder. And when all the stupid, stupid guards are dead, the wasp strolls into the hive, murders anything else who gives it lip and then EATS ALL THE BABY BEES.

THESE WASPS EAT BABIES, YO.

3. Wolverines. <insert gag about XMEN ORIGINS:WOLVERINE being so bad it could bring about the end of the world here>

Wolverines have the dubious honor of being the largest member of the weasel family, and have zero fucking sense of humor about it. They can resist sub-zero temperatures and eat just about anything, up to and including full grown Cariboo Moose. They think very little of smacking the shit out of wolves, cougars and POLAR BEARS, and if caught in a snare, will GNAW THEIR OWN LEGS OFF RATHER THAN BE CAPTURED. One particularly furious Wolverine in Glacier National Park was renowned for breaking INTO traps set by scientists for the sole purpose of doing bloody murder upon his male rivals trapped therein.

That’s correct, these dudes will break INTO jail just to get shiv-happy on your wannabe ass.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

2. Tarantula Hawks. Yes, I realise this is my second wasp on the list. They freak me out, okay?

So, in the matchup of spider versus wasp, most sensible people would be backing the spider. But one particular wasp known as a Tarantula Hawk COULD NOT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT WHAT IS SENSIBLE. These things hunt down tarantulas (you know, those huge terrifying spiders that eat birds), paralyse them with their stingers, and then LAY EGGS INSIDE THEM.

You read that right. These things are literally right out of ALIENS. I can picture a squad of tarantulas moving through an abandoned tarantula colony wondering where all the colonists are and then they find one stuck in the walls and he’s all “K-k-kill muh-meeee” and the taratulas are like “Hang on buddy, we’re gonna get you out” and he’s all “Guhh-gg-gg-guuuhhAARRGGUUGG” and this fucking baby tarantula hawk bursts out his abdomen and she’s all “sup, bitches” and Ripley is like “noooooooooooooo”.

GAME OVER, MAN.

1. Honey Badgers. The Honey Badger is listed in the Guinness book of World Records as the most fearless animal on the planet. I dunno what they’re so pissed off about, but they entire species is pissed off ALL THE TIME. They eat snakes, crocodiles, eagles, republicans . . . pretty much anything that can't say “SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS, IT'S A HONEY BADGER” and run away screaming. Literally, the only thing stopping these dirty little bastards breaking into all our houses and eating us while we sleep is the fucks they don't give.

Don't believe me? Observe this video of a couple of Honey badgers ruining the grills of SIX LIONS. You will notice around the 2:15 mark, when the Honey Badger has walloped the shit out of everything that looked at it cock-eyed and has ample opportunity to get away, it sticks around for a couple more rounds just to make sure the lions knew WHO THEY WERE FUCKING WITH.

HONEY BADGER APOCALYPSE: Coming to a theatre near you in 2014.

Jay Kristoff is a Perth-born, Melbourne-based author. His first trilogy, THE LOTUS WAR, was purchased in the three-way auction by US publishing houses in 2011. He is as surprised about it as you are. The first installment, STORMDANCER, was published in September 2012 in the US, UK and Australia. 

Jay is 6'7, has approximately 13870 days to live and does not believe in happy endings.

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